1. seeing my wife look like death warmed over every day for almost 5 months running. (this is far and away #1)

2. watching my wife do prenatal yoga, getting turned on by it, and having to turn myself off before she notices i'm staring.

3. 98.5(wncx)% of the advice i have received.

4. seriously decreased frequency of hot, hot lovin'.

5. huge boobs that i can't touch. (closely linked to previous item)

6. the incredibly limited effect it has had on my life in a day to day capacity.
   

that last item is the real kicker.  sure my mind is occupied with important things related to having a child.  i'm also busy trying to make sure that our home is in order when the little dude shows up.  but that's it, see?  i'm focused on what happens when he gets here because right now, he's not affecting my every minute of every day (though if i logged my IMs i might see that differently).  i'm not sure that's a bad thing.  but i hate it because it's easy to forget the impact that it's having on my beloved.

let's take last night, shall we?  we were both looking pretty wasted at the end of the day.  i was a little stressed from my day in the cage and she was just exhausted.  we got home and all i wanted to do was crash on the couch and have the dinner fairy magically make food appear.  i actually thought for a split second, "isn't it her turn to make dinner yet?"  this was followed by (purely a survival instinct, i'm sure) "isn't it your turn to carry around an extra 30 pounds all day and feel like shit?  no?  didn't think so.  put your ass in the kitchen and make with the dinner, moron."  jambalaya never tasted so good.

after dinner i got my sorry ass outside to walk (and mutter at) the dog while stacky ran off to the grocery store for croissants.  the dog needed walking and stacky couldn't wait.  i can't wrap my brain around that.  i have never had a craving for croissants hit me that hard, i guess.  or anything for that matter (sex aside).  when i got back with the dog she was standing in the kitchen with a mouth full of bread.  i almost passed on trying one (they were pretty good) and it's a good think i didn't.  5 or 6 of those bad units were devoured in under 15 minutes.  again, i've never been that moved by croissants, but pregnancy does weird shit to a woman.

weird, weird shit.  like watch pbs documentaries about cuttlefish.  i suppose if you have to turn your brain off there are worse ways to do it.  and i did learn a lot.  though i'm not sure what i'll do now that i know there is a species of cuttlefish that is lethal to humans.

in the interest of fairness, i should list some things that i like about pregnancy.

1. she does look beautiful...even if she doesn't feel it.

2. i get to talk to my beloved's belly every day and no one can call me crazy.

3. my m-i-l brings me really good coffee any time she goes somewhere cool because i'm taking "such good care" of her baby.

4. it does make me feel useful.  even if it's more useful than i'd like to be sometimes.

5. i get that feeling from time to time that i'm a part of something larger.

6. i have an excuse for brushing up on my "knock-knock" jokes.  (the coolness of this cannot be understated)
   

so pregnancy hasn't been a magical time thus far.  it's mostly been "getting through the day."  but nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.  i believe that's because sometimes the challenge creates the reward.  i'm sure there are sleepless nights to come and i've seen what little ones can do to normally sane people.  i know what our endgame is.  i'm excited to be a part of it.  and hell, there may come a day when we're itching to get this way again.  maybe it won't be so easy next time and we'll wish for this all to return with everything in us.

...maybe...

but that ain't today.

and for the record (and before she can post about it) i was assaulted last night.  by my wife.  with a bottle of conditioner.  rectally.

no.  i don't want to talk about it.